


better than jam

by peachsneakers



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Intrulogical, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Mild Unsympathetic Roman, Sympathetic Remus Sanders, Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 14:44:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20010016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachsneakers/pseuds/peachsneakers
Summary: Sometimes Remus doesn't feel worthy.





	better than jam

_I'm gonna love you until you hate me_  
_And I'm gonna show you what's really crazy  
_ _(-Iggy Azalea "Black Widow")_

"Look," Remus babbles, nearly dropping his laptop in his boyfriend's lap. "Look, I wrote another story, it has _twice_ the amount of blood in it as the last one-"

"Thank you, Remus," Logan says, adjusting his glasses and patting the couch cushion next to him. Remus plops down, fidgeting with the fluff of his sleeves.

Sometimes he doesn't feel like he's worthy of Logan at all. Sometimes he thinks that his brother agrees. He knows that Roman doesn't understand why Logan said "yes" when Remus finally gathered up the courage (bolstered by Deceit's encouraging flattery) to ask him out. He heard Roman ask Logan if he'd somehow been drugged or if Deceit had impersonated him. Logan had gotten mad on his behalf- and isn't that a new feeling- but Roman still _said it_. Even if he did apologize afterward.

Logan's the one who introduced him to writing, to channeling the constant rushing flood of his inner thoughts to paper. Or laptop screen, as the case may be. Remus spent many a night hunched over the keyboard, frantically tapping out a new chapter. Logan's always delighted to read them. He even offers criticism. _Proper_ criticism, the kind that shows Remus he actually _read_ it, he didn't just skim or pretend.

It means a lot- it means the _world_ \- but Remus just can't understand _why_.

"Do you think humans could have gills?" Remus asks, unable to stop himself. "If they did, would they choke and choke and die?"

"It would be illogical for a human to spontaneously develop gills," Logan says. "However, if that occurred, I believe death would follow if they could not submerge themselves in time, yes."

And that's another thing. Roman always tells him to shut up. Patton's better about him since his introduction video, but he knows the morality side is still highly uncomfortable with his particular brand of thinking. It usually gives Virgil an anxiety attack (and despite his little jibes at him during said introduction video, he doesn't _actually_ want to panic Virgil any more than he already is). Deceit is willing to listen to a point, but he usually gets aggravated.

Logan not only _listens_ , he _responds_. Remus has never had someone who _replies_ , not even Roman when they were young and newly split (although he supposes he can't blame Roman, the split had messed them both up).

"How do you stand me?" He finds himself asking, in a tiny voice. "I'm nothing like Roman, I'm bad, I-" In a distant sort of way, he can tell that his breathing has sped up, that his heart is thudding in his chest, that he is edging closer and closer to a panic attack. 

"Breathe for me," Logan says in a calm voice, turning Remus toward him. His laptop sits, forgotten, to one side. "4-7-8, like Virgil's taught you, all right? In for four seconds..." But Remus can't breathe, can only gasp and splutter as he feels tears burn his eyes, smearing his eye makeup with each traitorous drop.

"It is not a question of standing you," Logan says, directly in his ear. "That implies that there is something wrong with our relationship or that I am forcing myself to endure your company. Nothing could be farther from the truth. You are very important to me, Remus. We are opposites, but I enjoy that. I enjoy bantering with you. It is interesting how your mind works and I find no shame in it. I know that you also suffer from intrusive thoughts and all of my advice during the video applies to you, too. I accept you. I _love_ you. I love your writing- you have an impressive turn of phrase when it comes to description- and it does not _matter_ that you are nothing like your brother. I _like_ that. If I wanted Roman, I would have asked _him_ out. You are not bad. Your job has unsettled Thomas at times, but creativity is more than Roman's domain, and I like how you express it. In fact, I would even say that, well-" Logan clears his throat. "You are more important to me than Crofter's."

 _That_ gets Remus's attention more than any breathing exercise ever will and he finally gets a hold of himself, choking and gasping through the last bits of his anxiety attack while Logan watches him with calm, steadying, brown eyes.

"Did- do you really mean all that?" Remus asks. Logan nods.

"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't," Logan says. "I would not tell you a falsehood, Remus. Not about that."

Remus settles into the curve of Logan's side, resting his head on Logan's shoulder.

"Read to me?" He softly requests.

"Of course," Logan says, and pulls up _Alice in Wonderland_ on his laptop. Clearing his throat, he begins to read.

 _Maybe I am worthy,_ he thinks. _Or- I can be. In time._

It's enough for a tiny smile to work its way across his mouth.


End file.
